For decades, The Simpsons has been serving up some of the funniest and most memorable quotes in television history. It’s not just the family who gets in on the fun, it’s every character in the town of Springfield, USA. This is far from a comprehensive list, as there are literally dozens and dozens of great characters. Instead, we’ve narrowed it down to just some of our favorites and one of their hilarious lines.
“I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day… now I’m lucky to find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I’ve got to get out of this rut and back into the groove.” – Homer
Poor Homer Simpson. He used to be so cool, but then life, kids, and his job at the nuclear plant got in the way of all the dreams he had as a kid. At least Marge is understanding when he laments all he lost with this quote. She usually isn’t afraid to put her husband in his place, but she resists here.
I have some Tic Tacs in my purse – Marge Simpson
When Homer learns about the all-you-can-eat seafood buffet, Marge has no choice but to agree to going. Unfortunately, she’s allergic to seafood and everything, including the bread, includes seafood. She’s stuck with the mints she has in her purse.
Whacking Day is a sham! – Bart Simpson
One of the more unusual traditions in Springfield is “Whacking Day” when citizens try to kill as many snakes as possible. Lisa and Bart aim to put a stop to the barbaric practice and Bart announces to the town that the whole tradition was started as an excuse to “beat up the Irish.” It’s also a rare example of Bart not misbehaving.
I’ve created Lutherans – Lisa Simpson
Lisa Simpson is maybe the most underrated character in The Simpsons and when she delivers lines like this, after accidentally creating life in a petri dish for her science project, she shows why. Such a low-key, hilarious moment.
I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! – Ned Flanders
Ned Flanders is one of the hardest trying people in Springfield. He succeeds in a lot of ways, but on a few occasions, the normally pious character gets frustrated, like the time he begged for guidance from God.
The Merciless Peppers of Quetzalacatenango… grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum. – Chief Wiggum
“The Mysterious Voyage Of Homer” is up there with among the best episodes of The Simpsons and Homer’s wild voyage all starts because he gets cocky when trying Chief Wiggum’s offering at the chili cookoff.
I’m sick of you people. You’re nothing but a pack of fickle mush-heads – Mayor Quimby
“Diamond” Joe Quimby is never afraid to let his constituents know just how annoying they can be. Take, for example, the time he whacks a bunch of snakes and arrives to show them off only to find the town has turned against Whacking Day.
Un-shrink you? Well, that would require some sort of a “rebigulator”… which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud. – Professor Fink
Professor Frink is the resident nerd and he has no patience for some of the idiots who surround him, even when he perceives them as a God, like he does with Lisa after she creates life in a petri dish.
I’m a well wisher, in that I don’t wish you any specific harm. – Moe
Moe Szyslak, owner and operator of Moe’s bar is pretty indifferent to most people, including one of his best customers in one Homer Simpson.
Aw Nuts – Carl
Lenny and Carl are best friends and they do everything together. Or are they? This quote from Carl in the episode “Mountain of Madness” implies maybe he’s less enthusiastic as he lets on.
They say he carved it himself… from a BIGGER spoon. – Lenny
When Homer arrives at the chili cook-off in “The Mysterious Voyage of Homer,” he pulls a wooden tasting spoon from a bag and shows everyone. Lenny seems most impressed by the generic-looking spoon.
All I can remember about the last two months, is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner. – Barney
Barney Gumble has been on some pretty epic benders in his day, but the worst has to be when he steals Homer’s car and disappears for a couple of months in “The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson.”
Hi Supernintendo Chalmers – Ralph Wiggum
Subtly is part of what makes The Simpsons great. One great example is the look on Superintendent Chalmers face when Ralph confuses his title with a gaming system.
I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can’t get the spices right!
Part of Skinner’s ridiculous backstory is his time in Vietnam. He often experiences very odd flashbacks, and it seems he misses the food he was served as a P.O.W.
Some days we don’t let the line move at all. We Call Those Days ‘Weekdays.’ – Patty And Selma
Marge’s twin sisters are two of the cynical characters in The Simpsons. They don’t take their jobs at the DMV very seriously, either. Sometimes they just frustrate everyone because they can. On the plus side, Bart gets a fake ID out of his time with them at work.
Are we so bereft of ideas that we must revive… the antiquated notion of prohibition? Channel 6 says yes. – Kent Brockman
Newscaster Kent Brockman consistently has some of the funniest takes in all of Springfield, like the time he wanted to bring back prohibition after Bart gets drunk on St. Patrick’s Day. Sadly for Springfield, it works and they do bring it back… at least for one classic episode.
I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. It’ll happen to you! – Grampa Simpson
Like Homer, Abe Simpson, aka Grampa Simpson, also laments a time when he was younger and hipper. We can only assume this wasn’t when he was wearing onions on his belt, which was the style at the time.
A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence sent the number-one cracker factory in town into a tie for sixth with Tabletime and Allied Biscuit. – Luann Van Houten
The breakup of a marriage is tragic, but the way Luann Van Houten lays into Kirk at a game night with Homer and Marge is just too funny not to include here. Marge subtly hiding the box of Tabletime crackers under the couch makes it that much better.
I thought the Generals were due! – Krusty The Clown
Krusty the Clown has made a lot of poor decisions over the years, but betting on the Generals to beat the Harlem Globetrotters has to rank up there with the worst of them. Even if he thought the game was fixed.
Oh, yes, sitting. The great leveler. From the mightiest Pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn’t enjoy a good sit? – Mr. Burns
The best thing about this quote is that everyone can use it in their everyday life. Because while Mr. Burns is evil and wrong about a lot of things, he’s not wrong about having a good sit.
They’re saying Boo-urns – Smithers
Oh, Smithers. Sometimes you just have to appreciate how much of a sycophant MR. Burns’ assistant it. No matter how bad things get, you can count on Waylon Smithers to see the bright side for Monty Burns.
Remember Alf? Well he’s back! In Pog form! – Milhouse
Milhouse can be pretty nerdy and there is no better example than when he spends a little too much money on a long-passed fad, featuring a sitcom character from a decade earlier. Alf Pogs!
No, children, no! Your education is important. Roman numerals, et cetera. Whatever. I tried! – Mrs. Krabappel
There are few educators as burned out as Mrs. Krabappel is. You can understand why, she’s been teaching the same troublemakers for more than three decades!
They call them fingers but I’ve never seen them fing. Oh. There they go. – Otto
Otto Mann is a Simpsons character who should be retired, but he has given us some gems in the past, like when he was hanging with Homer and they were both very… relaxed and he had this thought.
Marge everything is a sin. Have you ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we’re not allowed to go to the bathroom. – Rev. Lovejoy
Reverend Lovejoy isn’t as pious as some of his flock. Sure, he can quote the bible, but he’s also human and there are times he just gets fed up with all the “churchiness” of some of his congregation. Like Marge, in this case.
Wow! I didn’t think he was gonna do Moon River, but then, Bam!!, second encore! – Nelson
Let’s be honest here, it’s the look on Nelson’s face as he delivers this line that makes it so great. While traveling through Branson, MO, Nelson makes everyone pull over so he can see Andy Williams in concert. He got what he wanted and more by the time the encore came around.
Comedic great Phil Hartman delivered some of his funniest lines as a voice actor on The Simpsons. Troy McClure’s introductions to various PSAs and film strips are among the best and of all of those, the intro to the driver’s ed movie Homer is forced to watch is tops.
Dislocated shoulder. Bump on the noggin. My diagnosis: A rather nasty fall… caused by bad babysitting! – Dr. Hibbert
Dr. Hibbert is generally known for his pleasant demeanor, even when diagnosing life-threatening diseases. One glaring example of the good doctor going against his trademark giggle is when he scolds Lisa (at least in her head) for her bad babysitting after Bart nearly dies.
That… is a rare photograph of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore. It is worth $150. – Comic Book Guy
The Comic Book Guy is one of the most popular side characters who was introduced after the first season of The Simpsons and for many, it’s because they often feel the way he does about pop culture and have little patience for those who don’t get it. As in this exchange with Milhouse.
I have nothing left to say to any of you, so if you don’t mind, let’s just run out the clock. – Ms. Hoover
Like a lot of the staff and faculty at Springfield Elementary, Ms. Hoover seems to have lost her zeal to mold young minds, and, as she says here, is just running out the clock of each day, week, semester, and year.
Aurora Borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen? May I see it? – Superintendent Chalmers
Superintendent Chalmers doesn’t have a ton of great lines in the show’s history, but his comment and question to Principal Skinner as Skinner cooks dinner is one of the best ever.
The Greatest Murder Since Snape Killed Dumbledore. – Sideshow Bob
While many will argue that The Simpsons is a show that has gone on for way too long but had it not, we would have missed out on this gem from Sideshow Bob. It’s so out of character and yet perfect for the moment, especially when only someone as evil as Sideshow Bob would spoil something like that.
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